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Danger Couch (sans Drummer)

Story by Herman Fording
Dissociated Press

Today at 0327 metric standard time, a man known only as Joe7234 was granted asylum in the United States, fleeing from his native home in the ultra-secretive Ninja Republic. Joe7234’s reasons and motives remain unknown at this time, however drawing from my long years of experience as an instigative journalist, I would say that it probably involves illicit Yak Juggling. But that would be just a guess. A highly accurate and educated guess, but still falling slightly short of factual status.

Although Joe2734 himself was unavailable for comment, Dirk Ferris, the regional spokesmodel for the State Department of Ninja Affairs and Imported Cutlery, was on hand and issued the following statement:

“As you all know, things have been shaky with the Ninjas every since the Tinsel of Doom incident. In fact, this whole encounter with Danger Couch has driven a real wedge into the internal politics of ninjadom, with pro-Couch factions and Anti-Couch loyalists springing up everywhere. It is from this highly unstable environment that Joe2734 come to us seeking sanctuary and fat-free Lattes. Please go home and give Joe the peace he has traveled so far to achieve.”

And so Joe2734 remains as mysterious now as when he wore the ninja mask, fortunately the members of Danger Couch were a bit more forthcoming:

Wilheim Smoder: “I don’t care what he says, you just can’t trust a ninja. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few good ones around, but you can never really tell until its too late. Think about it, with them all wearing those masks, how can you tell which ones which? You see one of those sneakarounds in the rafters and think, ‘Hmm, maybe he’s one of the good, tinsel-thwarting ninjas.’ Next thing you know he’s got one of those candelabra looking knife things, stabbing you in the back. Or maybe the side. Sometimes even in-between your toes, but that’s usually only the ninja podiatrists. Anyway, don’t turn your back on them, it’s rude.”

The Drummer: “I’m happy for the guy, it sounds like he didn’t really fit in over there anyway. Personally, I have no problem with ninjas. I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me. Of course if they did, they just might wake up with a percussion. That’s a drumming joke, I get hit by so many of them that sometimes I like to beat people to the punchline. You know, kind of defuse the whole drummer issue. Anyway, I congratulate that ninja for finally coming out his pajamas and joining the rest of us here in reality, because there’s nothing worse that a nameless stereotype.”

Ruckus MacMullit: “I admire him. It must be hard to leave all your friends behind like that. It definitely takes courage, but it’s got to make your laundry easier. Can you imagine all the lint rollers you’d need if someone washed a towel with your week’s worth of ninja outfits? And what about bleach? Someone drops some of that in your wash and poof, you’re the dalmatian ninja. At least that’s what I heard. It’s not like I ever did that to anyone…recently.”

Jimmy James: “It happens to all of us sooner of later, I don’t why everyone is making such a big deal about it. I mean we all have to let go of what’s inside us, don’t we? You know, release our inner reserves. Wait a minute…he’s a defector? I thought you said defecator. In that that case, never mind.”

As you can see, the story of Joe2734 is an enduring enigma, one that will require constant updates for as long as it gets me ratings. Check back here frequently to take advantage of up to the minute coverage of events as they occur, and occasionally before.

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There are still DangerCouch DVDs available.Get Yours Today.

For additional helpings of dry witty humor please refer to The Ominous Comma.

As we recruit and prepare for this year’s dramatic Danger Couch festivities, carefully screened volunteers are delicately brought into the DC fold to lend their talents to episodes, film, and our ongoing global conquest.

A common occurrence in this process is the shock and awe and sudden dizzy spells that result from first time exposure to the inner workings of the Danger Couch Surprisingly Non-profit Empire. It usually goes like this: A would-be actor receives his script, grasping it firmly in both hands. Slowly he removes the magical document from its protective covering, reverently lowering it to the nearest flat surface. In great anticipation he flips over the cover sheet eagerly scanning for his appointed contribution. Then, in rapt adoration, his face wrinkles up like an age-worn pachyderm as he passionately voices his admiration: “You want me to say what?”

This is the point where squads of highly trained off-duty dental hygienists come in and provide love, support, and generous helpings of nitrous oxide to assist our thespians past the boundaries of earth and into the great unknown of Danger World.

Danger World is where DC adventures take place. It is a mysterious and timeless place where tinsel promotes plant growth, ninjas rent hotel rooms, and people win awards for yodeling. It is a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t move in for all the badgers in Bolivia. I prefer my reality on this side of the Twilight Zone.

Imagine my surprise when this little tidbit appeared in the local paper:

See all the sordid details here.

I secretly always suspected that Memphis was a portal to hades, but I had no idea that it was also a bedroom community for Danger World.

Be careful out there, its crazier than you think.

-Brent

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Shield yourself from the hazards of Danger World, get your preventative Danger Couch DVD today.

Paparazzi were well employed this weekend, descending in droves upon the set of the latest Danger Couch episode in a desperate attempt to record even the smallest piece of Sheer Filming Excitement.

Fortunately on-set security forces, provided by 1-800-Rent-A-Ninja, easily handled these uninvited guests, leaving them with lots of bruises and us with free publicity pictures.

Two unnamed, yet highly glamorous celebrities shown here exchanging stock tips while rehearsing scene number 213b, Quivering in Place by the Old Wooden Gate

Over all, the crew was in high spirits, due in part to an unnaturally high concentration of Sharpie permanent marker fumes in the filming area, but still managed to pull through the intensive shooting schedule with poise, panache, and other qualities they could neither spell nor define.

Neighbors of the Danger Couch Episode Filming Location were filled with giggly joy just from being in the vicinity of so much fun.

When asked what time the shoot finished for the day, director DangerDan merely answered, “Dawnish.”

Check back frequently for more bowel-loosening updates of the Insidious Production Saga.

-the DC Crew.

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If your press pass was revoked and you missed the shoot, don’t cry.

You can still get yourself a DangerCouch DVD.

With it and a sufficient quantity of ice cream, all problems are solvable.