This is Jimmy James and I have an urgent question for anyone visiting this site:

Where is my friend Ruckus MacMullit?

There’s no need to hide him, everything’s fine.

I’m sure he thought I’d be upset after what he did, but I’m a big guy. I mean, what a little thing like this between friends?

What do you mean you don’t know?!! Don’t lie to me, I know you’re hiding him.

What did he tell you? Did he say I was overreacting?

Did he show you this:

Let him know I haven’t given up, I’ll be back.

Have you ever done something bad?

Something really bad.

Something so badly bad that you can’t live near yourself.

Something so hideously awfully terribly bad that you can’t sleep at night for fear that your bass player might fill your pillow with flesh-eating inchworms.

Well if so, you need help. Because you clearly are a very bad person. The kind of person that I have absolutely nothing in common with, except of course for the whole Wrath of Jimmy thing.

In fact I don’t think you should be reading this, just in case the authorities bust in and somehow implicate me in your ring of unspecified evilness.

I don’t know why I am telling you this. I just feel kind of close to you, especially since I started hiding in your monitor.

Yes, I’m in here and I’ll tell you it wasn’t easy. The hardest part was scanning myself. It’s surprising how even the most advanced scanners still have problems with plaid.

So I’m kind of laying low for a while, hiding out between the pixels on your screen.

(Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the oatmeal wresting site you like so much.)

If you see Jimmy, just act normal. Unless of course normal for you includes the tendency to holler out, “Quick Jimmy, bring the magnet! He’s here in my screen.” That kind of normal we can all live without.

Especially me.

-Ruckus

DangerCouch is proud to pronounce the next seven days International Jimmy James Recognition Week.

At DangerCouch we are all abut giving credit where it is due, especially when it comes to bad notes or flatulence. We are also as pleased as punch to bring to the attention of the world, (or at least the small portion of it that visits this publication) the many fine contributions, and a few really awful ones, made by “The Jimster” to the unstoppable entertainment conglomerate that is DangerCouch.

Sadly, there seems to be a lack of recognition regarding the crucial role Mr. James plays in the inner workings of DangerCouch, as well as a complete inability to recognize him in public.

This comes as a complete surprise to the rest of the band because, frankly with so many restraining orders against him, we figured there would always be someone ready to point him out in crowd.

Since this doesn’t seem to be the case, allow us to provide you with a few Aids to Recognition you can use to distinguish the real Jimmy from the horde of sleazy imposters:

Jimmy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, People usually not Jimmy
Rather tall,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Rather tactful
Smooth with the ladies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Smooth shaven
Abnormally self-confident,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Occupy reality
Reeks of charm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Occasionally shower
Wears His Sunglasses At Night,,,,,,,Ain’t Missing You At All
“Chicks dig me”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”Please go away”
Likely to pick up on you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Likely to spray with mace

If the chart is not working for you, try this handy visual guide:

Jimmy

Not Jimmy

Jimmy

Not jimmy

Jimmy

Not Jimmy but possibly related.

If are still having trouble with your Jimmy identification, please test your vision with the following chart until you are cross-eyed or a migraine ensues:

I
AMJ
IMMYJ
AMESYADIG

Please do your part to help make Jimmy Recognition Week a success, because it’s really sad to see a grown man put up his own picture in the post office.

For more dry witty humor be sure to visit The Ominous Comma.

This is Ruckford MacMullit and I want everyone to know that I am 100% pro Nebraska.

There has been a lot of talk lately about getting rid of Nebraska, maybe having it auctioned off or even surgically removed, but I believe that a healthy Nebraska is an important part what makes this nation…however it is.

And furthermore, allow me to state that I am also:

Pro yodeling

Pro slinky

Pro tractor

Pro boscis

And even pro wrestling

But don’t think I am some sort of yes man. There are several things I am adamantly against:

I am anti ABBA. ABBA exposure has been proven to cause irritability in lab animals and is not particularly pleasant for the lab technicians either. In addition I am:

Anti body

Anti matter

Anti disestablishmentarianism

And anti depressant

I am glad that I could be clear on these important issues. If you have any questions about where I stand on subways, astroturf, or hardwood flooring, feel free to contact me in care of this fine publication.

At DangerCouch, we are fully committed to the unabashed and whole-livered celebration of life in its many facets any frequent biological functions. That is why we are proud to announce that the next seven days have been officially designated by the DayPlanner General as Ninja Appreciation Week.

Insert much rejoicing here.

Ninja Appreciation Week is a time for Sneakarounds and their hunters everywhere to lay down their arms and celebrate diversity, commonality, and other corporate-sounding concepts of unknown meaning, within the Semi-Mythical Marital-Art Stereotype Community.

Ninja Appreciation Week takes on special significance in Memphis, Tennessee, where an estimated 22% of the population have at one time or another donned ninja attire to support one or more Danger Couch Performance Activities.

Special thanks go out from the Couchmen to all former and current Ninjas wherever you are. Let all DC ninjas within the sound of my key-clicks rejoice together in the all-encompassing glee that come from sweating and shivering in back pajamas.

We invite all ninjas to gather here at this post and receive our bounteous and heart-felt thanks.

Don’t worry, Wilh’s gun is unloaded.

Look mom, it’s magic. Can I have one?

See lots of ninja-phonic backside-kicking action in the stunningly amazing DVD, Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom.