The Ninja Report
Brought to you by Danger Couch News
(a member of the Dissociated Press network)

The ninja’s day started early. At 4:05am reports started coming about ninjas waking up sleeping people. Several of the sleepers were in burning buildings, one had passed out on the freeway, and one had overslept her alarm and was almost late for work.

Then at breakfast time another rash of reports flooded the newsroom. Ninjas supplied eggs for omelets in peril, butter for parched toast, and even the Heimlich maneuver for one young man attempting to eat a questionable concoction of Rice Krispies in maple syrup.

During the morning commute things get really got frantic when a twenty-seven car pileup–

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–once the rest of the survivors were lead to safety, the ninjas disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Later in the afternoon, ninjas responded to a reported gas leak in the men’s room of the Main Street bus station, carrying several unconscious victims to waiting police, who immediately attempted to arrest them. The unconscious victims did not resist arrest, but the incident raised questions about the mental capacity of the officers with–

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–where the mayor praised the officers for their “dedication in protecting our fine city from the unsanitary scourge of public restroom polluters.”

At 7:29 PM several unconscious ninjas were admitted to the Emergency Room of St. Memorial Hospital with concussions and second degree burns, which appeared to be administered by a highly powerful energy weapon. Witness say an unknown individual in a green army sweater opened fire on the ninjas as they were in the upper branches of a tree, rescuing stranded kittens.

After regaining consciousness, the ninjas vanished from the hospital in front of a crowd of disappointed doctors without even a prescription, renewing demands for mandatory healthcare for all professional ninjas.

If you enjoyed this post, you need therapy.

If that doesn’t work check out more by the author at his blog:
The Ominous Comma