By Harry L. Bowe

Amalgamated Press

Yodeling fortune heir and all around ladies man, Hedley “Jimmy” James III announced today his intention of being the first man to transfer his consciousness into a computer. This experimental procedure sometimes referred to as a “cerebral flush” has been the target of criticism from both medical and computer experts. Cyberfolly specialist, Holly Oxenphrie had this to say:

“This is just stupid. The last guy to try this ended up as computer virus. He flew across the internet, briefly touching down at individual computers just long enough to flash users with pictures of his back side. You remember the infamous FullMoon virus last summer? That was him. He made quite a mess until he ran into a Defense Department spam blocker. The last I heard, he was locked up in a pocket calculator at the Pentagon.”

What could drive a man like James to such a desperate gamble? Is he depressed? Does he have a terminal illness? Is he trying to hide from in-laws? We contacted James to get some insight into his clearly troubled psyche. He gave us this comment:

“It’s my birthday, man. This year I decided to really splurge on myself. After all, what do you get a guy that has two of everything? It had me stumped for a while, but then it came to me. What I would get for myself is…me. Imagine it. Everyone in the world is privileged…blessed you might say, with the chance to meet me. Except me. It’s just not right. So I’m going to slide on over into this computer so I can meet myself for the first time…I am prepared to be impressed.”

Florence Peadrive, professor enormicus at Jersey City Institute for Devices with Lots of Flashing Lights had this to say:

“I would hate to be the one to break it to Mr. James, but a computer is really overkill for his consciousness. After a pass through our ego compression software, he should fit nicely into an iPod. With plenty of room left over for every song ever recorded by the Beatles.”

We will keep you posted on every possible break in this urgent story. Or at least until a real story can be found.