Welcome to part two of an unexpectedly continuing series on better health in the New Year, hosted by your friends here at Danger Couch. If you missed last weeks installment slap yourself immediately. We’ll wait here until you’re done.

If everyone’s back we’ll continue.

February has not yet arrived, so that means there’s still time to milk the ponderous livestock of invigorating and deeply meaningful New Year’s traditions. Traditions like the falling of decorative glass spheres, traditions like the crossing out of incorrectly written dates, and most importantly, traditions like the making of solemn and deceitful promises to ourselves, swearing to improve our lifestyles, if not our very souls.

In the light of that last glorious tradition, we focus our attention this week on those individuals who know they should give up smoking, but have not yet found the moral vitamins, or fiber, or whatever it takes to quit something like that. We know just what you soon-to-be-quitters are thinking.

You’re thinking, “Who asked you to search my conscience? Or read my mind? Why don’t you go back to chasing ninjas?”

And that is the true beauty of having us as your own personal Danger Couch. You never have to ask. It’s just a given.

Just like the asking of prearranged questions for you. A good example would be this one here:
“Without something as habit forming as cigarettes, what would I do with my lungs?”

What a splendid question. We just happen to have three alternatives to cigarette smoking conveniently ready for you, just in case you asked.

One
Try plutonium snuff. It packs the same buzz and carcinogenic properties as tobacco without all the noxious fumes and accumulation of ashes. Be careful, however, to keep a handkerchief ready in case of coughing or sneezing. Most people don’t care for second hand irradiation.

Two
Take up porcupine-pit bungee jumping. Although it is a relatively new sport, it promotes the same coolness and comradely commonly found in the smoking community, as well as providing the same potential for long term physical disability. The main difference, of course, is the larger carton size required for a pack of porcupines.

Three
If you simply must smoke something, try dynamite. It is every bit as lethal and exciting as cigarettes, just faster acting. With less suspense.

That about wraps it up for another installment of Better Health through Couchery. Don’t you feel better? We thought so. Be sure to come back next week for something stimulatingly odd, yet supremely amazing. Just don’t ask where we got it.

If you enjoyed this post, you need therapy.
If that doesn’t work check out more by the author at his blog:
The Ominous Comma