Newsflash

In a stunning and unprecedented move by author Michael Crichton
and Sony/Warner/Time/Coca-Cola/Tidy Bowl Pictures, those random rock icons Danger Couch have been selected to contribute the entire soundtrack for Jurassic Park 12: Scream Warriors.

Beating out more established bands such as Freddie Franks and his Fluctuating Friends, Elvis Costello, and even Foghat, the Couch clinched the coveted slot much to the surprise of industry experts as well as the Couch themselves.

“I don’t remember submitting anything,” said frontman Ruckford “Ruckus” MacMullit who was reached for comment on the steps of the city courthouse operating a pressure washer, attempting to, as he described it, “clean up the justice system one step at a time.”

Guitarist Wilheim Smodder, was equally surprised at this unexpected turn of events, “I have no idea how they even got our name,” he said while installing what appeared to be a rocket launcher atop a Volkswagen. When questioned about what was clearly back market weaponry, Smodder simply looked around in alarm and replied, “Preparation is the key to any battle,” before jumping inside the vehicle and discovering that it would not start.

Only bassist Hedley “Jimmy” James III had any hint as to how the band had traveled the unlikely path to success:

“I remember giving a CD to a girl, I think she might have been with a movie company, but whoever she worked for, she was a fox. I gave her the CD to get her phone number, but then she got a call and had to leave, she said she was a heart donor and was needed for an emergency transplant or something. All I know is that when I called the number, it turned out to be the Urgent Proctology Hotline. You’d think I would recognize the number by now. It turned out alright though, the operator sounds like real fox.”

It is often said that fortune favors the prepared, but in this case it seems to also coddle the clueless and deliver for the derelict. Once again Danger Couch has stumbled into opportunities the rest of the world can only dream of. Once again they have been dragged from the edge of anonymity to the very pinnacle of cheese-media product placement. How can any group be so suspiciously fortunate? Watch for reports from our ongoing investigation of this band to find out.

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The Ominous Comma